Test drive in PJ's....woo hoo! Maybe Christmas morning was not to be as painful as I feared? The weeks leading up to this day were almost obsessive in my fears of How will it be? How will they be? Will my mom be ok? Will it feel so, so empty without him? Can it really be just another day? Please? The last few weeks of this semi-naseousness yuck in my stomach, my constant panging headache that advil won't calm, and just that sad, lost and empty plain ol sickness for my dad. My heart, my brain, my memories won't let me squint away the image of him standing in my parents hallway on Christmas morning so happy we had finally arrived, then bending down to hug my kids and tell them that "Santa came to their house too!" This dark cloud, it was getting constant again, just when I thought I was maybe getting a sunny cloud-free forecast. The for no reason pissed-offness at the sheer mention of, well, anything. The lip quivering, heart aching just wanting to fall down in a heap in the middle of a crowded Safeway and cry my little eyeballs out and scream "You Suck Christmas!" while happy couples read their grocery lists shooing off their their childlike clutching the cart why I am here first year husbands to look for kosher salt "do you know where that is honey?" tra-la-la's the perfectly put together Strawberry-but-so-badly-wanting-to-be Tiburon gal. She's all laced up in Tory Burch snow boots and a faux rabbit fur vest although it is 60 fucking degrees outside. Do I sound bitter? This is not new news. It is my new year's resolution to work on this. But maybe on this Christmas morning we happened upon something to jump start this New Years Resolution of mine: a fast ride in the chill of morning in our shiny red BMW! We sailed down our street in our jammies: registration-less, insurance-less, seatbelt-less, and yes, windshield-less "Whatdaya think???" CJ yelled. "It is freeeeeeeeeeeeezing, but soooooooooo fun" I shouted back. Before we got going, he did the requisite turning over of her cold, un-used engine. When we heard her rev up, we all threw on our flip flops, grabbed the camera and ran out front. She turned over and over, but the engine did not catch. CJ made that sound that we hear often these days of car restoring; it's kind of a combination that sounds like "herrrrgh-what-the-hell-now-herrrrrghhh....." Then the hood was up. "Back inside kids," I herded them, and my mom looked at me like, "how long is this gonna take?" We'll give him 10 minutes and then we'll have to bag it. And guess what? He did it! The Red Bird revved out to the driveway, shiny and proud. I hopped in feeling 16 years old, and off we sped burnin a little rubber as we went. I am sure we pissed off some neighbors, but hey it ain't everyday that a girl wakes up to 4 tires under the Christmas tree, hubcaps shiny silver with new BMW emblems in the middle. That just begs TEST DRIVE!!! We made it to the top of our street before we heard, and unfortunately, felt "Thud, thud, thud, thud" Back home we went, takin it real slow. Back up on jack stands we stare at her, knowing what she feels like to drive even for a second. A kid goes racing by on a new dirtbike. Hell, who cares who we pissed off. It is just that kind of a morning. 2010, here we come. Not a moment too soon.
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